It's happening

One day this week, my phone rang at 7:30 am. It was my mom. She'd just woken up and didn't know if it was morning or evening. Her clock doesn't say am or pm and she couldn't tell by looking out the window. (It's getting dark around 6:30 pm now, but even I don't remember that from day to day.) This wouldn't be a big deal, but she didn't know if she needed to take her morning or evening pills. Also, she knew that she was confused and that upset her.  (My mom, the version I knew for the first 50-some years of my life, never got rattled easily.)  It took a lot of back and forth conversation, but I finally got her settled down and oriented as to the time of day. I asked if she wanted me to come over but she said she was OK. I went about my day, called her a couple times, and by the next day she was totally back to normal (well, her new normal, but oriented).

This episode has had me thinking seriously about moving in with her in the near future. I've always known that I'd likely have to move in there some day, but I always thought it would be because of a physical problem, not a mental one. My mom went through a bunch of cardiac procedures a couple years ago and I always figured heart disease would do her in. It may still beat Alzheimer's to the finish line, but she's got a couple new parts in there, so she'll probably keep on ticking for a while longer. I imagined having to feed, wash, and dress her, but I'd still be able to talk to her and she'd still be the person I've always known. The woman I grew up with. The woman who became my best friend after I grew up.  The thought of taking care of her but her not really being there, is frightening, depressing, and horrifying. Is it wrong that I'm hoping some other body part craps out before her brain does?

My stepdaughter's wedding is in three weeks. (A lot of my energy and time in the past month or so has gone into preparing for that.) I think right after that, I'm going to start moving some of my clothes to mom's house and look into getting internet there so I can do my work-from-home days from her house instead of mine. I'm old enough (55) and have enough years (30) at my job that I could retire with full benefits if I have to to take care of her, but I'm not really ready for that. I know that that's thinking too far ahead and I should just take one day at a time, but it's hard not to think about what comes after whatever comes next.